How to work at the humane society....

If you want to work at the humane society you have to know how to answer basic questions about dogs:

"Will he shed?"
"No, not more than any other dog."

"He won't be a big dog, will he?"

"He should only grow to about 30-40 pounds."

"Will he always chew like this?"

"That's just a puppy thing."

"Wow, he's really slobbery."

He's just teething. He'll outgrow that."

"That's quite a bark."

"He's just excited because he's with you."

Driving me crazy....

Well, my oldest passed her driver's test this week. For those of you who have yet to reach this milestone, I can only compare it to the first time she went to a sleepover party when I didn't know the classmate's parents.

I debated a lot about whether I would let her drive right away or not, and had still not reached a decision when she got home that day. I decided that making her wait would only add to the anticipation and the pressure to do well her first time out.

So, she drove to herself to her basketball games the same night she passed her test. She remembered to text me when she got there, and I didn't even remind her to. She is a good driver and a safe driver - I've ridden with her - I've taught her. I guess it's really just me that isn't ready.

You don't have to toot....

After my ride into work today, I thought I might provide a brief lesson on the use of car horns and cyclists. I am a safe and defensive rider, who has logged thousands of miles, and it still startles me when a driver beeps at me. My first reaction is always, “What danger am I missing?” (the words are usually more like WTF but the thought is still about avoiding the possible hazard).

I have put together a few quick tips for using your horn while sharing the road with cyclists:

1. Do not beep to let us know you are there. I am riding in the street for God’s sake! I expect there to be cars around me. And pedestrians, and city buses, and people on the cell phone who open their car doors to let their toddler climb out of the car right in front of me. I know you are there.

2. Do not beep to encourage us. Although I appreciate the thought, I won’t acknowledge you anyway, because as soon as I turn around to say thanks I will be sucked up by a pothole the size of the Grand Canyon. If you really want to encourage me, just hold your Starbucks out the window for me to grab on the way by.

3. Do not beep because we are in your way. Because I am not in your way. I am supposed to be riding on the road (not on the sidewalk). There is only so far to the right I can ride – have you looked at the side of the road? On a normal day I'm navigating broken glass, fender parts, and road kill - and that's in the bike lane.

And, if you make me really angry you leave me no choice but to ride even s-l-o-w-e-r. So if you are feeling a little horny as you pass the next cyclist, do what you need to do - but please don't beep at us....

Seriously?

I went to use the bathroom at a the hotel where I was attending a conference and this is what I found. So do they have a little stack of the pre-folded fans on their cleaning cart? Or do they fold one each time? And if they fold it each time, where in the bathroom do they do that - on the sink? On the floor? On their leg? I'm still not sure if I am impressed that they care about the details or annoyed that someone feels the housekeepers actually have nothing better to do than fold toilet paper fans. I wound up using a different stall so I wouldn't ruin all their work.

Put those back!

Our dog was out in the yard and dug up a bunny nest that was hidden under our pine tree. We stopped him before he injured any (he grew up with guinea pigs and hamsters - I think he was rescuing them). I would have been perfectly willing to keep five baby bunnies (in your dreams) but every source said to put them back.

While we were debating what to do with them, the momma bunny came back looking for them. We did our best to replace the nest around them, and I arranged some long grass over top so I'd know if the momma had been there. The momma will only come back at dusk and dawn to avoid drawing attention to the nest. And the grass was only slightly moved, so I doubt any predators ate them.

I am just gonna stay in my happy place believing that they are the ones I see hopping around the yard....

I feel so helpless....

My computer has been down for the past two weeks and it has been horrible! Every time I wrote a check I worried that an automatic payment cleared while I couldn't check my balance. I sent back a Netflix movie and didn't know which one was coming next. I had to scroll through pages of Face book status updates to find out what everyone is doing. Event schedules, the weather, the headlines - all gone.

My brother in law hooked me up with a temporary computer, and now I have internet and all my applications again while he fixes my other one (I love you BIL).

How NOT to train your employees.

I just got back from a required training on how to provide excellent customer service. The training was scheduled from 9am-1pm. At 1:15 we were only half way through the outline, so I motioned the instructor over and asked, "How much longer do you think we will go?" He said, "Oh, we should be out by 2:30 or 3:00."

Someone who keeps me 2 hours over the scheduled time clearly doesn't respect my time, doesn't really know what he is teaching, and isn't gonna share anything about customer service that I don't already know. Maybe I just have a bad attitude.

5 Tips for Hosting a Safe Teen Party

Last night we had a houseful of teenagers, 27 of them to be exact. My middle daughter wanted to have an 8th grade graduation party (and since her July birthday parties are generally less spectacular because everyone's on vacation, we said sure).

We have hosted several big teen parties over the years, and I'd like to think we have gotten pretty good at them. So how do you survive a teen party? Five steps:

1. Deny all responsibility. I put Party Girl in charge of the bash from the get-go. The kids are responsible for planning the activities, food, decorations - and clean-up before and after. The flip side of that is that they are also responsible for the actions of the people they choose to invite.

2. Do your thing and go home. A free-for-all is a recipe for trouble - so is pin the tail on the donkey. Have activities planned, but not too much. Last night Party Girl planned an hour and a half at the park, where they could organize games of basketball and volleyball, or sit and talk. Then they came back to the house to watch a movie and eat.

3. Go big or go home. I don't mean spend lots of money, I mean do it right. Yes, we used the sports equipment laying around the garage, and provided the regular concession stand variety of junk food. But, my brother in law loaned us his DVD/projector set-up so the kids could watch the movie on the whole garage wall - a far cry from piling in the basement in front of the 30-incher, that's for sure.

4. Enlist help. No one wants parents hanging around, so we sent the group to the park, 2 blocks away, unsupervised - sort of. I escorted one late-comer to the park and got a good look at what was going on. I put my neighbor who lives behind the park on alert for any trouble, and my brother in law stopped on his way into the subdivision to make sure he "connected with Party Girl about the video set up". Add in the pesky, tag-along siblings, and they had a spy-by every 20 minutes or so.

5. Earn a reputation. I overheard Party Girl telling a friend, "if anyone brings stuff to the party my mom won't call their parents, she'll just call the cops." Zero tolerance, and I mean it - and they all know it. The kids who want to avoid drugs and alcohol know our stance - and the kids we know use are clearly absent from our events.

In the end, it's about combining teen recklessness and the adult "rules" for one awesome evening.

Today is the last day....

...of school. Finally. 

The end of the school year is always such a frenzy for us, that we never really started any traditions for the last day of school. Here's one from Having Fun at Home that I wish I had thought of when my kids were little.

Any ideas for next year? Maybe if I start planning now.... (everyone who knows me is stifling a giggle, because they all know how last-minute I am - go ahead and laugh - I have a whole year to work on this).

Who knew she was so observant?

My middle daughter and I were running an errand today and she pointed out this sign as we passed:

"Las Fajitas"

"Mexican Restaurant"

(insert 13 year old's sarcastic tone) "Really? Las Fajitas is Mexican? I never would have guessed."

Hang on, I'm coming....

My daughter and I were on the way to pick up pizzas for dinner (because I am too cheap to pay the delivery charge and tip) when she got a text from one of her best friends, Erin, whose boyfriend just broke up with her.

"Mom, I have to go over there. She could barely talk, she's so upset."

So I went in for the pizzas, and we headed for Erin's house. As we pulled into the driveway I asked my daughter when I should plan to pick her up. "I'll call you. Probably tomorrow. Erin needs me." With that she grabbed a pizza from the stack, ran up the front steps, went inside without knocking, and was in Erin's room before I even left the driveway.

There are some things that are the same no matter how old you are. Like best friends who will drop everything and bring you their pizza when you really, really need it. 

What a nut....

My co-worker's five year old daughter Annie started a new summer day camp today. About 10am the day care called in a panic, because Annie had eaten almost half a peanut better granola bar before she told them she was allergic to nuts. My co-worker's laughter really threw them off - until she said, "Annie's not allergic to nuts." Turns out she just thought it would be fun. Kids - gotta love 'em!

Enough! Enough! Enough!

The kids are done with school next week Friday. Exams are next week. The teachers can stop assigning homework any time now. If they haven't learned it by now, it isn't gonna happen. Wrap it up already!

I knew I shouldn't have joked about it.

Sick. I spent my whole weekend sick. I had to check my phone to make sure I actually called work, not just imagined it. I have no idea what my kids ate - if they ate. On the plus side, the giant pile of laundry on the bathroom floor is collecting all the dog hair I didn't sweep up....

What's not to love?

Dear Two Guys who came in to the hotel after the Brewer's game in your Cub's shirts, drunk off your butts, cause your girlfriends are both at home, then hit on the desk clerk who has step-children older than you, while getting directions to the strip club at ten minutes before bar time. I have to smile because it's my job, but I think I know why you're still single....

You knew I'd have to comment on it....

Probably only my family knows what a big time germophobe I am. I would rather fall than touch the escalator railings, and I use the handicap buttons to open doors in public places. I ask for salt and pepper packets instead of using the shakers on the restaurant tables, and the thought of eating at a buffet gives me the heebie jeebies. My kids call me Monk.

And I hate to say it... but this pandemic situation has been great for us hygiene freaks. I realized it last night as the Wal-Mart greeter wiped down the shopping cart handle before pushing it in my direction. Surfaces are wiped down regularly. Hand sanitizer is being provided in public places. There have been lessons about HOW to wash your hands on the news. People who don't cover their mouths when they cough or sneeze are actually shunned.

Now I will get the flu for sure for making light of it, but we're all gonna get it anyway....

Spring (please don't) Break (anything)

"Are you guys sure you'll be ok in the room alone while I'm at my conference?"

"Mom, we'll be fine, really. We'll probably just swim or walk over for food or something."

(door closes)

Netflix is the best strategy game ever!

I know it is supposed to be a movie rental service: we choose a movie, they send it to us, we watch it, send it back, and they send us the next one on our list (que). That's the movie rental version. That's where the game version begins.

I have compiled some strategy tips for others playing the Netflix game (based on an unlimited, one movie subscription, with the whole family sharing access).

1. Keep your movie at the top of the que. Once you have chosen your movie the enemy will log on and move their movie to the top of the que. You will need to monitor the que closely to be sure your movie is at the top at sending time (kind of like bidding at the buzzer on ebay).

2. Make sure your movies are still in the que. Another easy form of sabotage. The enemy will log on and delete all your movie choices from the que, leaving only theirs.

3. Mail movies back in public mailboxes. If you use your home mailbox, the enemy will take the movie out of the mailbox. This gives them time to reset the que before mailing it back.

4. Keep your movie with you at all times. If you leave it laying around the enemy will mail it back before you can watch it. While you are searching for the lost movie, the next movie on the que is already on its way to your home.

5. Guard your password. The serious enemy will log on and change the que, then change the password. Once the movie is successfully sent they will change the password back, leaving you to think that you were just typing the password incorrectly yesterday.

Maybe it's a good thing we haven't given up our Blockbuster membership....

It depends on your definition of cool....

We got to do the coolest thing today! I am in New York (for the first time my life) with my daughter and her school orchestra - so if I want to be truly accurate I have done a lot of cool things today. Right, back to the story.

We were dropped off at Rockefeller Plaza in the pouring rain at 8am after an 18 hour bus ride. After the organized tours we had free time and my group of kids wanted to go to Carnegie Hall. When we arrived our clothes were soaked despite our umbrellas, the raincoats had served as a really effective way to channel water right down our backs, and our shoes were squishing as we walked.

As we opened the door and stepped in we were greeted by "Greg" and directed to the ticket table for tours. "Are there any parts of the Hall we can see without going on the tour?" I asked. His answer was the expected "no" but he offered to sell us tickets to a concert that night. "Thanks," I said, "but we have to meet our group for dinner." He offered two other opportunities for us to return, but I each time we had another event planned.

We either looked really disappointed (or really pathetic) because he said, "Hold on." He talked briefly with another guide and said, "Would you like to watch the rehearsal?"

He escorted us into Carnegie Hall and directed us to seats near the back. We watched more than an hour of a closed rehearsal for the New York Pops Orchestra. At one point I looked over at the four kids with me; one held back tears and the others sat watching every moment.

That was not the highlight though. The highlight was realizing that I was with a group of teenagers who would consider special admission to a rehearsal at Carnegie Hall the highlight of their day.

The post-game game....

My family is at a basketball tournament this weekend. We had a little time after games tonight back at the hotel, so we pulled out The Game of Things. One person reads a card and the rest of the players write down an answer. For example, "things you would do if you were a superhero" or "things you shouldn't do on your boss's desk." The answers are collected and read, and you get points for guessing who wrote what.

We played with a group of about 10 people - half teens and half parents. I saw a whole other side of my kids and their friends! They were creative, funny, realistic, and twisted. When one of the adults crossed the line a little with an answer (things you shouldn't do on your desk - yeah we went there), the kids followed it and we all laughed together.

It was a little reminder for me about how much closer my oldest daughter is to being an adult than she is to being a child - and I like who I am seeing.